14 Chris Rock Quotes on Relationships

Chris Rock quotes on relationships

10. Michael Jackson [is] about to lose everything he owns. You know why? Fucked around with a white boy!

22. Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

26. A man is basically as faithful as his options.

29. Every time a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.

30. It's hard for a man to turn down sex : if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

43. Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies : a man lie is, 'I was at Kevin's house!' A woman lie is like, 'It's your baby!'

61. You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do : is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, 'Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!'

70. If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: 'Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.'

71. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans : fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.'

72. Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them : 'fuck that bitch', 'fuck that bitch'. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.

73. But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. 'Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so fucking cheap.'

76. Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a racoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.

77. God will send you a double date with the perfect couple. Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple? You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love. You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like, 'Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more, they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!'

87. Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, 'Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no.' I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, 'Honey, I'm going to the bathroom.' And I'm like, 'All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back.' And she goes, 'No, you coming with me!' She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.