Erma Bombeck Quotes on Humor
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend; and he's a priest.
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
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God created man, but I could do better.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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It's nothing short of a miracle that for years women have worked together side by side in the kitchens of America. I would have been willing to bet in an atmosphere of blunt instruments and sharp cutlery, not one of them would have been left alive.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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In two decades I've lost 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
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Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he's doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.