21 Erma Bombeck Quotes on Humor

Erma Bombeck quotes on humor

3. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend; and he's a priest.

6. Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

10. Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

11. God created man, but I could do better.

15. Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

17. I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

20. If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

23. It's nothing short of a miracle that for years women have worked together side by side in the kitchens of America. I would have been willing to bet in an atmosphere of blunt instruments and sharp cutlery, not one of them would have been left alive.

24. I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

25. In two decades I've lost 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

26. Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.

27. Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

28. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

30. Never accept a drink from a urologist.

36. One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

40. Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

42. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

45. What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

46. When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he's doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

47. When humor goes, there goes civilization.

52. Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.