Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.

In two decades I've lost 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiqu…

I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten I--well, I thought it was kindergarten, it turned out later I'd been working in a factory for two years.…