The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

Exercise is wonderful. I could sit all day watching it.

Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans : fuck e…