Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Youngsters of the age of two or three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.