15 Jay Leno Quotes on Humor

Jay Leno quotes on humor

1. 106 [degrees] in the valley: I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.

2. I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada'.

3. How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.

4. So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh- meets America's president. It's like President 'Who?' meeting President 'Huh?'.

8. Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

9. Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation:

11. 'Fred, what happened to your ass?' 'Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me.'

12. Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.

13. French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.

14. 'This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.

15. Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years

16. A 102-year-old tree fell over in front of the White House. They said this happening involved three factors: its age, a strong wind, and Patrick Kennedy's car.

18. With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

21. Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

22. Your dog/cat is not going to wear that!