Dave Chappelle Quotes on Humor

40 quotes

  1. It is truly an honor and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst School, or whatever your school is called today. I say it's a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that! Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmm!

  2. Tyrone: And kids, that was the first time I ever sucked a dick for crack , but not the last. Teacher: Thank you for that lovely and very graphic story... Tyrone: You're welcome teacha bitch! Uh, could I get cash for this? I got some errands to run and I don't think I'mma make to the bank.

  3. Look at that magic marker. What, you think that's some kind of crayon?! Take the cap off, sniff it, and get high!

  4. Let me show you how I go to the bathroom. (Proceeds to take a dump in the classroom rubbish bin).

  5. You! Do you know what dog food tastes like? Do ya? It tastes just like it smells...delicious!

  6. Ya'll tell anybody and I'll kill you!

  7. I'm gonna tell you something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know...I smoke rocks!

  8. I'm Rick James, bitch!

  9. [while stomping dirty shoes on a suede couch] Fuck yo couch nigga'! Buy another one you rich muthafucka! Fuck yo' couch nigga! Fuck yo' couch! Darknesses, darknesses!

  10. Hello Eddie Murphy.I'm a big fan of your comedies.

  11. Game...Blouses.

  12. 'It's great to be alone for a minute in the confession room (laughs)...NIGGAZ IS WILIN'!'

  13. 'Get outta my face nigga! Im making juice!'

  14. 'Now you're looking at the world's richest man and I'm black. Kiss my black ass America! Hahaha!'

  15. 'Will I still be able to traffic rocks to the community?'

  16. 'It was torture. Straight torture, son. First he put my nuts on a dresser. It was crazy, just my nuts. Then he banged 'em shits with a spiked bat like, 'Ba-OOOOWW!!' then they sewed my asshole shut and kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me. This all took place in the slums of Shao-Lin. It was the RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raekwon 'Da Chef', U-God, Inspectah Deck and, of course, Method Man.'

  17. 'Go get me some juice, bitch, I'm Thirsty' (Talking to 'Chad' from 'Mad Real World'

  18. Katie had some big ass TITTIES. (signature laugh)

  19. I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!

  20. I didn't know you liked to get wet.

  21. Riverside mutha fuckas.

  22. P. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

  23. Dave Chappelle: Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha ha! I'm rich, bitch! Ha ha ha!

  24. Prince : Shoot it J. Shoot it!

  25. Dude : [without moving his teeth] Hey man, I'm not in your team

  26. Leonard Washington : [tells to Ashy Larry] What you need is some chapstick and a set of trousers

  27. Samuel L. Jackson: [people are drinking his beer] Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfuckers! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me, Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get you drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! MMM MMM, bitch!

  28. Samuel L. Jackson :(to a white man drinking Samuel Jackson Beer) How does it taste, muthafucka!?

  29. Dylan : I mean come on mon, who are the five greatest rappers of all time? [counting down on fingers] Dylan, Dylan, DYLAN, Dylan, and Dylan. Because I spit hot-fire!

  30. Dylan : A sugar cookie mon, this is crazy.

  31. Cribs Episode* Hey MTV! Come on in ya broke muthafuckas!

  32. High Dude : Hey Calvin, there is a thin line between fries and shakes

  33. 'A black person would never dream of talkin to the police high; thats a waste of weed.'

  34. 'A lot of black people can relate to this. Have you ever had something happen that was so racist, you didn't even get mad? You were just like 'Gah damn, that was racist!' I mean it was so blatant you were like 'wow...' That happened to me. I was in Mississippi doing a show. And I walk into this resteraunt to order some food, and I say to the guy 'I would like to have...' And before i could even finish my sentence, he says, 'The chicken!' I was like 'What the fuck?!' I couldn't believe it. This man was absolutely right! I said 'How did he know that I was gonna get some chicken?' I asked him, I was like 'How'd you know that? How'd you know I was gonna get some chicken?' He looked at me like I was crazy. 'Come on buddy. Now everybody knew as soon as you walked through the god damn door that you were gonna get some chicken. It a no secret down here that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another.' And then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset. I wasn't even mad, I was just upset. I wasn't ready to hear that shit. All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicioius; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to likin chicken!'

  35. 'So sometimes, I'll make up shit thats not even slang just to see how they handle it and shit. It be the same call like, 'Alright we're gonna close the deal, is that fine with you Dave?' 'Yeah sounds good to me.' 'Great. You have a good weekend Dave.' 'Alright buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out!' They be like, 'Uh...uh alright. Zippiddy-do-dah, bye bye.' '

  36. 'White people do not like to talk about their policial affiliations. Its a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin for, like 'Hey Bob, who you gonna vote for?' 'Dave! Dave, woah, woah woah. Take it easy. So I was fuckin my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else.' 'Yeah yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?' 'DAVE! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions.' '

  37. (Talking about the Clinton/ Lewinsky scandal)'Busy men fuck who's close to them. Its like Clinton just stuck his head out the door, 'You! You, get in here. Get my penis sucked before my 3:30.' '

  38. 'And then Ed Bradly looked right at the camera and said 'Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back.'

  39. 'I know every girl in here got a dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn't a President's dick. I bet he worked at Kenny's Shoes or Safeway or somethin like that.'

  40. 'I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little 'insurance.' I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border.'

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