'I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little 'insurance.' I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border.'

'I know every girl in here got a dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn't a President's dick. I bet he worked at Kenny's Shoes or Safeway or somethin like tha…

'All I gotta say about Ellion is thank god he's Cuban. Cause if he had been Hatian, you'd have never heard about his ass. If Ellion Gonzales was Ellion Mumoomb…

'And then Ed Bradly looked right at the camera and said 'Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back.'

...so unpopular, if he became a funeral director people would stop dying

It's so funny that people think I actually ran for President. I am maybe the most un-political person you're ever going to meet. When I put 'Elected' out, it w…

If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head. - On George W. Bush