I could have been a serious athlete, only to have my promise cut short when I discovered Woodbines and women. Thankfully I have long since given up the former, and the latter have long since given up on me-except, of course, for the lovely Lady Stratford, who for reasons beyond my comprehension still tolerates my presence.

I am finding the inherent politeness of this place quite destabilising. Having come from a House where politeness is about as rare as an orderly queue at a Lon…

More people have probably died from eating dodgy Chinese food than contracting some form of avian flu. The last thing we want is for the Daleks from Defra to s…

Personally I wish the police had truncheoned the English fans to death, but I can't really say that on the record.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone : Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much s…

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!