Jerky Boys Quotes on Humor

54 quotes

  1. 'You know how when a dog is crippled you put his back legs in a wheelchair? I think Willie the Jackass really puts a smile on kids' faces. I drag the ass-end of the costume around the park cause I ain't got nobody to fill that spot. The back legs are crippled.' (from 'Willie the Jackass')

  2. 'What's so silly about the pizza?' (from 'Silly Food')

  3. 'You sound like you got a nice pair of them tits, those big floppy fuckin balogna tits.' (from 'Testing for Jeopardy')

  4. From Jeopardy...

  5. 'How many pits are in a pear?' 'Aah, two.' 'You know damn well there are more than 2 pits in a pear'

  6. 'Mr Trebek is liable to go to a commercial break [and] punch your fuckin' mouth loose'

  7. 'How do ya say there, bottlenose?' (from 'Hucklebuck')

  8. 'GET BRETT WEIR I SAID!!!!' (from 'Super Across the Way')

  9. '(to receptionist) I got a little side job for you, honey. Get me someone I can talk to. I'm a very busy man!' (from 'Diamond Dealer')

  10. '(to a diamond dealer) I got some stones I wanna get rid of. I whacked a fucker out last night and I need to get rid of these stones.'(from 'Diamond Dealer')

  11. 'And he's got this silly looking Santa hat on, next thing he's down at my pants. He's trying to pull the fuckin', the balls outta my pants!'

  12. Picklenose

  13. Sweet Charlie

  14. Salami tits

  15. Tough Guy

  16. Speedracer

  17. Sweetnuts

  18. (In regard to Howard Stern) 'And he invited me fishing and he whipped me with the rods'

  19. 'I'm Gary Dell'Abate's mom. This is his mom.' (from 'Bright')

  20. 'It's not right what you did to my beautiful horse-faced boy! I'm gonna come down there and kick you in your cunt you sick bitch!' (from 'Bright')

  21. '...then I woke up with my pants unbuttoned.' (from 'Dental Malpractice')

  22. 'I fill balloons up with deadly poison gas and then float them out over the audience.' (from 'Egyptian Magician')

  23. 'I need you to come RIGHT NOW and sweep all these beer bottles, all from my floor.' (from 'Little Elf')

  24. Tarbash: 'You know when you get out of the bath and your skin is nice and...open? You ever feel that way? I feel very open today, very much open.' Diane the Flower Lady: 'I'll tell you what's open is your ASS!' Tarbash: 'That is open, too.'

  25. 'We have a little emergency here....We were boiling some potatoes and we dip them in vaseline, and shoot them at each other, and Peter was looking back making sure it was lined up with his ass, and it shot him right in the fucking eye!!'( from 'Tennis Ball Machine')

  26. 'I put a little ballerina outfit on him and beat him senseless. The crowd seems to love this.' (from 'The Gay Model')

  27. 'I'm also known for pulling large pieces of furniture from my ass. I'm the best.' (from 'The Gay Model')

  28. 'You're a little early, and that is very presumptuous on your part.' (from 'Flower Lady #2)

  29. 'They're very, very small, almost microscopic. You can barely see them with the naked eye. As a matter of fact you may need a penis pump to see these damn things.' (from 'I Pickle They')

  30. 'I wanted to move my penis around to the back side of my ass, because I don't know which way I'm swinging just yet. But I'd like to keep it just in case.' (from 'Breast Enlargement')

  31. 'Is the Fat Muffin Man there?' (from 'Paradise')

  32. 'I'll come down there and I'll slap your face.' (from 'Moonlight Matinee')

  33. 'We're casting for flat-chested tap-dancing freaks.' (from 'Diva')

  34. 'What I would do was I'd shoot people's heads up with Novocaine and carve grooves in their skulls.' (from 'The Gay Hairdresser')

  35. 'As long as my appearance wouldn't startle you- I'm carved from head to toe.' (from 'The Gay Hairdresser')

  36. 'I'll bring my children over, I carved the shit outta their heads too, but it looks good.' (from 'The Gay Hairdresser')

  37. 'My lover fell asleep with a cigarette in the bed and burned up all my ass and legs.' (from 'The Mattress King')

  38. 'I heard that they hang you upside down and kick your face out the back of your ass. I also heard they use hot bacon grease about the face?' (from 'Facelift Without Surgery')

  39. 'I'm constantly slugging myself in the genitals.' (from 'Breast Enlargement')

  40. 'Hey! Get back to work before I give you a beating!' (from 'Pico's Mexican Hairpiece')

  41. 'I used to bang broads like they were going outta style. Back in them days you could bang 'em for about--10 at a time for a dime. We used to even make songs about it. (sings) Ten at a time for a dime, ten at a time for a DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME.' (from 'Kissel Sails')

  42. 'You know what they say- what's good for the goose is good for my grandkids.' (from 'Duck Cleaning')

  43. 'Who in the hell ARE you?' (from 'Meriposa')

  44. 'It's time for siesta, you're being silly. Bye!' (from 'Mariposa')

  45. 'I don't even eat that shit, I lick that shit, and then I slap that shit right off my table.' (from 'Rosine Like Balloons' when referring to the lobsters)

  46. 'I wanna be a swimmah, a big time swimmah with my legs in the air.' (from 'Synchronized Swimming')

  47. 'See that shit, I play the flute too, in more ways than one too.' (from Signin')

  48. -What's the apartment number?- '1F.' -S as in Sam?- 'No F as in fuck baby.' (from Signin')

  49. 'Bye-bye baby bitch.' (from Signin')

  50. 'Don't get smart with me, woman. I'll come down there and split an ear off you.'

  51. 'Now I'm gonna be inclined to come down there and give you a shoe in the ass, honey.'

  52. 'If I didn't know any better I'd say you was a regular jackass!'

  53. 'I drive them big eighteen-wheelers, that's all. I'm an old cattle rustler... I'm an old dancing boy.'

  54. 'You know I got a parrot, a bird, this fuckin bird says hi to me all the time. More than you're doing. Fuckin bird says, 'Hi there, sir, hello. Had a nice day? Wanna fuck me in the ass a little?' I don't know where he picks up that bad language from.' (from 'Hello Ray')

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