10 Jack Dee Quotes on Humor

Jack Dee quotes on humor

3. My grandfather died last week, and we buried him at sea. Well, I say we buried him at sea; it was actually a village in north Wales at the time.

4. [on pre-EU British passports] You used them to shove aside officials. 'Out of my way, Johnny-foreigner! Reason for visit? Imperialism!'

8. I thought that I saw your name on a bag of bread but when I reread it, it said 'Thick Cut'.

9. I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.

11. I had a blowjob once. I didn't like the taste.

12. I always love it when a great, new, comedian gets hit by a bus.

14. I've had death threats... well a petition.

15. I knew this suit was going to be a problem when i went into the store and asked them 'will this make me look fat?' and they replied 'why shouldn't it, you are'

16. (Imitating an old woman) Well when i was a child there was a carnival and we used to play this game called put the apple in the bucket, i was very good at this game, you brought your own apple and you gave the man a penny to put the apple in his bucket, and when the bucket was full he got in a van and fucked off.

19. I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.