I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.

In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you kn…

I wish they'd stop improving car washes. They just keep adding to the choice on that menu. The super valet, super foam valet, super wax valet. When all you wan…

The film industry is a lot like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, n…

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!