In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.

The film industry is a lot like Anne Robinson. Always on the lookout for a new face.

I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I…

(Imitating an old woman) Well when i was a child there was a carnival and we used to play this game called put the apple in the bucket, i was very good at this…

Wot cher! all the neighbours cried, Who yer gonna meet, Bill, Have yer bought the street, Bill? Laugh! I thought I should've died, Knocked 'em in the Old Kent …

It's in the order of their hedgerows It's in the way their curtains open and close It's in the look they give you down their nose All part of decency's jigsaw …

A bad neighbor is a misfortune, as much as a good one is a great blessing.