I've had death threats... well a petition.

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.

I knew this suit was going to be a problem when i went into the store and asked them 'will this make me look fat?' and they replied 'why shouldn't it, you are'

I always love it when a great, new, comedian gets hit by a bus.

The Public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.

Just down the road stood a little town, which I shall call Dullard lest the people recognize themselves and take me to court or come to my house and batter me …

Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sak…