28 Margaret Cho Quotes on Humor

Margaret Cho quotes on humor

8. They need to read the Scriptures; word says in Matthew, Chapter 4, verse 17, it says: 'Shut the fuck up.'

9. And especially, especially, don't fuck with vegans. Do not look vegans in the eye. If you get into an argument with a vegan, say 'I'm wrong', and run away as fast as you can. Do not fuck with vegans because they will fuck you up...BECAUSE THEY'RE HUNGRY.

12. I was working on this movie and the makeup artist was just so ugly! I just wanted to say 'Physician, heal thyself!' She looked exactly like Aaron Neville, and she was trying her hardest to make me look exactly like Aaron Neville. This one time she leaned into my face with the mascara wand almost touching my eye and she says...'Whass my name?'

14. So I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline, and I was drinking Jagermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Woman's golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever. 'You have really bad skin. Thanks for the drink.'

15. And I got so drunk, I got so drunk that I actually woke up thinking, 'Should I get up and pee, or just pee in the bed?' Actually weighing the pros and the cons. 'Well, it'll be warm for a minute... It's a big bed, I'll just roll over... I'll just blame it on that guy!'

16. This old fellow came up to me and asked, 'Excuse me, are you Japanese?' No, I'm Korean. 'Oh really, that's very interesting, because I was looking at you and I knew you were not Filipino. I have many Filipino friends and you do not look like them because you're very HUSKY!!' Is that supposed to be some kind of a compliment?! 'Oh no, it's not bad, you're very strong, very HUSKY!'

18. I love Karl Lagerfeld, and they [PETA] hate him because he showed fur in his collection, and they protested his fashion show. People were chanting outside, 'KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER! KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER!' And I thought, 'Wouldn't it be fabulous if Karl Lagerfeld actually was a murderer?' Like, what if he just fuckin' lost it one day...backstage, at a show, in Milan...and bludgeoned Elsa Klensch to death with a platform shoe. 'I HATE THAT BLOUSE!'

21. I love my gay male friends, but when I was a little girl I always used to wish that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys, and I am, and I should have been more specific.

23. If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like, 'Are you a unicorn?'

24. One of my friends has these ideas about how we should meet men. 'What we should do on Friday night is we will fucking go get fucked up and fuck yea! we will fucking get fucked up and then we will fucking get tickets to go see the Chippendale's Dancers fuck yea! we will fucking get tickets to see the Chippendale's Dancers.' ... I can get gay guys to dance in my house for free.

27. One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat.

28. Lesbians love whale watching! They fuckin love it! THEY LOVE IT MORE THAN PUSSY! [...] It's any sea mammal really. Whales, manatees, dolphins. They go crazy for the dolphins. I don't know what it is - I think it's the blowhole.

30. There was this really prim and proper British woman who used to run horse races for the lesbians on the ship, and the lesbians would get to name the horses, and the really prim and proper British woman would have to read out the names. 'Horse number one, Galloping ... Clitoris... Horse number one, Galloping Clitoris. Very well, carry on... Horse number two.... No Dick for Me. Horse number two, No Dick for Me. Rather a rude name, don't you think? No Dick for Me? Should be, No Dick for Me, Thank You.'

31. I slept with a woman on the ship, and afterwards I was thinking, 'Am I gaaaay? Am I straaaaight?' And then I realized: I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?

33. A Korean reporter once asked me, 'Do you think your Korean parents are ashamed because you talk about what you talk about on stage?' I said, 'I don't think they're ashamed because they're Korean. I think any parents would be ashamed.'

38. I was on the floor in the emergency room, and the woman came up to me and said 'Hi, my name is Gwen and I'm here to wash your vagina!'

39. The first thing that you lose on a diet is brain mass.

44. I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. 'Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head.'

47. No matter what these terrorists do, I refuse to be terrorized. ...All this requires is just a few alterations in our day to day lives. For example, my first instinct when I receive an envelope full of white powder... is to snort it! I just won't do that this time!

48. There's a bar in Edinburgh called 'CC Bloom's.' CC Bloom is the name of the character that Bette Midler played in Beaches. That is the gayest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. That place should just be called 'Fuck Me In The Ass...Bar and Grill.'

51. I didn't know if I was going to mention my period on stage, but then I figured, if Richard Pryor had a period, he would talk about it.

65. I was on a plane, and the steward was coming down the aisle. 'Asian chicken salad... Asian chicken salad... Asian chicken salad...' And he gets to me and he's like, '...Chicken salad!' What does he think I'm gonna do? 'Dis is not de salad of my people! In my homeland dey use mandarin orange slices ...and crispy wonton crunches!'

67. I think everyone should go on my diet. It's called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say 'Fuck it' and I eat it. You have to do it six times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program.

68. I'm very inappropriate, which makes me a problem dinner guest, because at some point during the evening someone inevitably says, 'Okay, heh heh heh, okay, too much information! Heh heh heh. Don't go there!' I live there. I bought a house there.

69. [on reacting to racism] I don't wanna be the better person. I don't wanna rise above it. I do wanna sink down to their level. I am not gonna turn the other cheek. 'I'mma gonna show you what cheek I'mma turn, okay!'

71. I was in the airport and there were these big snowboarder guys and they had white masks around their necks, and as soon as they saw me, they put their masks on. So I just went '*cough, cough, cough* You wanna egg rorr?'

73. [on having a gay child] And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread count sheets, hair products by Frederic Fekkai, and a copy of the Immaculate Collection.

74. I would be happy to have a gay child. He would be a Boy Scout, and he would teach all the other Boy Scouts how to build a fire with two sticks and a back-handed compliment.