I would be happy to have a gay child. He would be a Boy Scout, and he would teach all the other Boy Scouts how to build a fire with two sticks and a back-handed compliment.

[on having a gay child] And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread count sheets, hair products by Frederic Fekkai, and a copy of t…

[My gay child] would be a soldier, and he would change the slogan from 'Don't ask, don't tell' to 'Don't fuck with me, queen!!'

I would rather have a gay child. If you have a gay son, you know he's not gonna be shooting up his high school. That would get in the way of yearbook.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

[on having a gay child] And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread count sheets, hair products by Frederic Fekkai, and a copy of t…

As the little boy said when asked if he wanted to be a lawyer like his mother, 'Oh no, that's women's work.' (Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions)