Emo Philips Quotes on Humor
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
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How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said: 'Get off me, you two!'
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, 'I'd like a card.' He says, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
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I ran three miles today... finally I said, 'Lady, take your purse.'
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Well, my brother says 'hello'! So, hooray for speech therapy.
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My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
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I was in the park the other day with my nephew. He got on one of the swings and went 'Come on, Uncle Emo! Give me a big push!' So I went over and pushed him with all of my might. But he said 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a big push!' So I went back about 10 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might. And he still goes 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a really big push!' So I went back 50 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might! And my nephew still goes 'NO, Uncle Emo! I wanna really, really BIG push!' So I backed up my Chevy...
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, 'Why limit yourselves?'
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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
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I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, 'I don't know... reelection to the Senate?' (a reference to the Chappaquiddick incident)
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.
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One day my father asked me, 'Do you love the Lord?' I said, 'Yes.' He said, 'Then stand up and shout, 'Hallelujah!'' So I did, and I fell off the roller coaster.
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The guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.