23 Emo Philips Quotes on Humor

Emo Philips quotes on humor

1. Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

2. How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

   Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

3. I caught my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. I said: 'Get off me, you two!'

5. New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, 'I'd like a card.' He says, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.

9. When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

10. You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

11. You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

12. Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

13. I ran three miles today... finally I said, 'Lady, take your purse.'

16. Well, my brother says 'hello'! So, hooray for speech therapy.

20. My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

22. I was in the park the other day with my nephew. He got on one of the swings and went 'Come on, Uncle Emo! Give me a big push!' So I went over and pushed him with all of my might. But he said 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a big push!' So I went back about 10 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might. And he still goes 'No, Uncle Emo! I want a really big push!' So I went back 50 feet, ran to him as fast as I could, and pushed him with all of my might! And my nephew still goes 'NO, Uncle Emo! I wanna really, really BIG push!' So I backed up my Chevy...

23. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

24. A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

26. Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, 'Why limit yourselves?'

27. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

28. I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, 'I don't know... reelection to the Senate?' (a reference to the Chappaquiddick incident)

32. If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

33. One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

34. One day my father asked me, 'Do you love the Lord?' I said, 'Yes.' He said, 'Then stand up and shout, 'Hallelujah!'' So I did, and I fell off the roller coaster.

36. The guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

37. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

39. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.