I ran three miles today... finally I said, 'Lady, take your purse.'

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.

He snorted and hit me in the solar plexus. I bent over and took hold of the room with both hands and spun it. When I had it nicely spinning I gave it a full sw…

'Great-grandfather died under strange circumstances. He opened a vein in his bath.' 'I never knew baths had veins,' protested Gabrilowitsch.' 'I never knew his…