If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of h…

One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos HATE that.

Son - they say there isn't any royalty in this country, but do you want me to tell you how to be king of the United States of America? Just fall through the ho…

RP: You have the only job in the world where people line up to hug you. Davey: Well, me and the Pope. RP: Are you crazy? You can't hug the pope. He's inside th…

Oh, please! I wish I had her body! [when called a Madonna impersonator]