13 Dylan Moran Quotes on Humor

Dylan Moran quotes on humor

1. It's not easy being a man! Oh no..I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures.

2. Don't clap, I'm not a fucking jazz band.

4. What else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? 'Yoghurt, anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit.'

5. Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say 'Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- W-why are we on a traffic island?'

7. The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. 'Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'' And my favourite: 'Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.'

9. What's going on? What do we do now? 'DONT FUCK ANYONE; YOU'LL DIE! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer.'

11. 'I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo.'

12. 'I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!'

16. 'Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?' 'Well, no I don't. Wh- what do they say?' 'Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's [cocks leg]. Oh yeah.' 'I'm sorry, what are talking about?' 'You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes.' What are you talking about?

17. 'Death Before Dishonour' I always used to wonder 'Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?' 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here, to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue ... if I don't say it, nobody else will.'

20. I don't want to make any huge generalisations about women, I'm not here to do that, it's- it's vulgar. But all I'll say is that they have no feelings. Because it's actually men, you'll find, who are the far more romantic. Men are the people you will hear say, 'I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked. I can't carry on, no I mean it, she's totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing. I can't stand it, I have to be with her. Because if I don't, I going to end up in some bedsit, I'll be alcoholic, I'll have itchy trousers. I can't- I can't walk the streets any more.' That, is how women feel about shoes.

23. There's just something about Germans; You can listen to a nice, young, affable German fellow and he'll be saying things like' Vell Ja, dis is a critical time for Germany now, economically we are good, but ve have been better. Ve are investing a lot in ze arts, and emerging globally....' and you'll be there listening, thinking 'Mmm, Yeah, mmm... Hitler... mm yeah, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...

36. 'Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complimentary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our NoHo Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?'