38 W. C. Fields Quotes on Humor

W. C. Fields quotes on humor

1. Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

4. Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

5. I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

11. After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

12. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

15. Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

19. Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose- to make people laugh.

22. (singing) I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two.

23. Hangman: 'Have you any last wish?' WC: 'Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die . . . Philadelphia will do.' (from My Little Chickadee)

26. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. (From a radio show, a 'temperance lecture'.)

28. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake- which I also keep handy.

30. I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

31. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

32. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

33. I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

35. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

36. I was married once- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

40. It was a woman drove me to drink....you know I never did thank her.

41. From It's a Gift, chiding a man who is trying to swindle him out of valuable property: 'You're crazy. And I'm drunk. But I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life!'

42. Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

43. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

46. My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

48. Never mind what I told you - do what I I tell you.

50. Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

51. Secretary: 'It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.' WC: 'Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.'

52. Man: 'I understand you buried your wife several years ago.' WC: 'Yes, I had to. She died.' (from the film Poppy)

53. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...

56. Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

58. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

61. There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

62. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.

63. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar

64. The coldest day I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco (also attributed to Mark Twain)

66. What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

68. When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours

69. Women are like elephants, to me: I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

75. A lot of people have bad luck. They should just be like Fields and not give a fuck.

77. I'm looking for loopholes. [Said when caught reading the Bible.]