Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Man: 'I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.' WC: 'A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.'

From It's a Gift, chiding a man who is trying to swindle him out of valuable property: 'You're crazy. And I'm drunk. But I'll be sober tomorrow, and you'll be …

There are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

I said to one of them, 'Look after the baby, I've got washing,' because we've got washable nappies. I said, 'Look after the baby. Entertain her, do some words,…

There are only two things a child will share willingly- communicable diseases and his mother's age.