8 Adam Carolla Quotes on Humor

Adam Carolla quotes on humor

1. At 13 you whack off 19 times a day anyway. Imagine being on a Viagra and like a liter of Mountain Dew and home alone with the VCR on a snow day from school. His mom would come home from work and open the front door and a big avalanche of semen would come out and wash her down the street.

2. I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

4. My brain and ass should be in the Smithsonian after I die, or even before I die.

9. I believe that at least 65-80% of auto glass breakage is caused from domestic disputes. Your car is like a piece of you that you leave out in your driveway unguarded. It's almost like you left one of your ass cheeks out in your driveway for someone to kick, spit on, urinate on, or break while you were somewhere else. In every young-person breakup dispute, the car always suffers the most.

10. I can understand stupid guys not understanding politics, but the penis? That is just a base piece of knowledge that every man should have. I don't give a crap if you don't know what's going on with the ozone, or the Clinton administration, or the Asian economy, but you gotta know the difference between the head of your penis and the foreskin of your penis. You just should!

11. Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better.

14. When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

15. Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin' out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it'll come back, no big deal. . . Once in a while it'll get eaten by a coyote.