When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

The only logical, sort of scientific way to figure this out is: you've got to put the bible down on a coffee table, and then you have to put a pair of soiled p…

Good friendship is like an outdoor cat. Just hangin' out. It can take care of itself. It can be gone for a couple of days, it'll come back, no big deal. . . On…

I question not only those who are getting their penis pierced, but also those who are doing the piercing. I mean, this is what you're doing for a living? God, …

...so unpopular, if he became a funeral director people would stop dying

When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government require…

It's so funny that people think I actually ran for President. I am maybe the most un-political person you're ever going to meet. When I put 'Elected' out, it w…