My brain and ass should be in the Smithsonian after I die, or even before I die.

I'd show up at raves at like 3 in the morning and just be like garbage man. I'd be straight as an arrow and everyone else would be passed out, and I'd scrape u…

I spoke to my dad and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me, but that was me and my sister and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it c…

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or somethin…

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

The burden of the self is lightened with I laugh at myself.

I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word 'booger' in a newspaper comic strip.