Garrison Keillor Quotes on Humor
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There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
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Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
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That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
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God writes a lot of comedy: the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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(on sweet corn and sex) I love sweet corn. It truly is better than sex! I'm not lying! All across the Midwest tonight, a husband and wife will finish what husbands and wives do, and the wife will ask the husband: 'How was that?' And, if the man is honest, he'll say 'Well, it wasn't sweet corn, but it was nice.' It's a fact! Sweet corn is better than sex!...fresh sweet corn!...Store bought sweet corn, yes, sex is definitely better than that!
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Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
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'Librarians, Dusty, possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God's green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth-breather there is.'
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One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must renegotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who don't understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.
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The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.