Groucho Marx Quotes on Humor
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When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!
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If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you.
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A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
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Mr. Grover [Doing an informal job interview]: What experience have you had at a department store? Wolf J. Flywheel (Groucho): I was a shoplifter for three years.
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A likely story - and probably true.
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Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
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Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.
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I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience, that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as 'The Tail Of Two Cities.' I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.
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I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.
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Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
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Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.
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Ice water? Eat an onion, that'll make your eyes water!
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Be free my friends. One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Believe me, you've got to get up pretty early in the morning if you want to get out of bed.
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Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.
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There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
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You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
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You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
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I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
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Groucho: Would you mind getting up off of that fly paper and giving the flies a chance? Chico: Flies can't read papers.
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As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce - and so will my wife.
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It's nice to have seen you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.
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I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
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Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
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Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
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[regarding Mrs. Teasdale's late husband] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
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[To Mrs. Claypool] That woman? You know why I was with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, that's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you!
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(while taking another character's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
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Send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
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Emily, I have a confession to make: I really am a horse doctor; but marry me and I'll never look at any other horse.
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I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
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A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
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An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?
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Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar,' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'
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Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
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I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
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I drink to make other people interesting.
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.
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I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
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I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
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I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
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If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
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It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
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My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees?
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.
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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
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The only game I like to play is Old Maid - provided she's not too old.
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Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
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We should pull out. Which is what Nixon's father should have done.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
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Hey! don't drink that poison, that's $4 an ounce!
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
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I resemble that remark.
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I thought my razor was dull, then I heard his speech.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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My mother loved children, she would have given anything if I had been one.
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Outside of a dog, a book is Man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
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When a person's nose itches, it is a sign that it should be scratched.
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Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only twelve chops.
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Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbour- if the neighbour is trying to sleep late.
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Finding a four leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees.
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To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you had had too much the night before.
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When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
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Some years back, after a childhood of preocupation with comedy that led me to observing the styles of all the great comedians, I came to the conclusion that Groucho Marx was the best comedian this country ever produced. Now I am more convinced than ever that I was right. I can't think of a comedian who combined a totally original physical conception that was hilarious with a matchless verbal delivery. I believe there is a natural inborn greatness in Groucho that defies close analysis as it does with any genuine artist. He is simply unique in the same way that Picasso or Stravinsky are, and I believe his outrageous unsentimental disregard for order will be equally as funny a thousand years from now. In addition to all this, he makes me laugh.
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Groucho appeals on so many levels at once that you could go nuts trying to figure out whether it's the funny movement, the incomparable tone of voice, what he is saying, or that keenly witty face that hits you the hardest. I swear that if he never existed, we would sense a lack in the world of comedy, like that planet in the solar system that astronomers say Ought to be there. For me he is The Master.
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Groucho Marx is the only actor I ever allowed to ad-lib in a show I wrote. That was because I couldn't stop him.
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George Kaufman and I wrote a lot of funny lines for Groucho, some of which he occasionally used... but it was Groucho who by his innate sense of timing and his inimitable delivery, added the ingredient that brought the house down.