I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience, that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as 'The Tail Of Two Cities.' I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.

I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life…

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the…

So pharaoh finally said, 'Thats it! Hebrews, GET OUT!' So it was like, 'Mah nishtadonai, everybody, come on. Let's not wait for the bread to rise, just take th…

'What? : The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? : They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? : They're co…

Fiction has to be plausible. All history has to do is happen.