Alton Brown Quotes on Humor
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Of course, we're not going to have any more fresh ingredients because we're all out of hand grenades.
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Look at that crust. Looks like Limp Bizkit isn't just the name of a band anymore.
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No matter how hard we try, sex isn't as good as sweet corn. (quoting Garrison Keillor)
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Allow me to present.. my bean board. Like it? I made it myself. Wouldn't Martha be proud?
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You're a French chef. Okay? Until great white sharks figure out how to catch rabies, that is going to be the scariest thing on earth.
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Behold -- the human eyeball. Okay, it's a kettle grill with a fancy paint job. Just work with me here for one second, okay, people?
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Hey, look! It's our old friends Tender and Flaky!
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handing an apple to a doctor: Here you go. This should keep you away from yourself for at least a day. How do you like them apples?
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With the possible exception of college-aged males, the acetobactors are just about the only critters on Earth who can actually thrive on alcohol.
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My, my, my! Would you just look at that meaty lava flow of love!
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Waffles may have actually originated in a penguin tank. (Nun grabs his hand and whacks it with a ruler) Ouch!
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Slicing a warm slab of bacon is a lot like giving a ferret a shave. No matter how careful you are, somebody's going to get hurt.
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(on pearled barley) It looks like me: pasty...white...starchy.
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Well, we hope that you enjoyed Flap Jack Do It Again. I know I did. How many times does a guy get to walk around the neighborhood in his robe and not get arrested, right?
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Everybody ready to dough?
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We gotta change over to the hook in order to work in the rest of the flour, of course, to do the kneading that will be necessary. So.. hook time. Pirate time. Arrrgh.
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Ahhh, just smell that rosemary, I... Oh. I'm sorry. You can't. That was mean.
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Pope hat, Pope hat!
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Look at this. A picket line! Can you believe this? I've never even heard of Cooks Against Wasted Leftovers! ... CAWLO? That's a silly name! They seem to be under the impression that I haven't made enough shows focusing on the utilization of recipe remains or some such thing as that. To make matters worse, my crew is refusing to cross the picket line. Some have actually joined it! [shakes fist] Oh, you faithless cur!
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Some people like their meringues all wavy on top. Me, I want mine as smooth as Kojak's noggin.
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I know they say that man can't live on bread alone.. but this is one man who's willing to try.
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Though there is such a thing as saltless pretzels, called 'baldies' , I would suggest that they are really not pretzels at all, but rather cruel jokes perpetrated by bitter bakers.
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Sorry, we're still working on that scratch and sniff TV.
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Thank you, Thing.
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Great googly-moogly!
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to a truck that roars by while he's filming: Get a muffler!
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after inspecting a honey tree full of bees: Okay, they're mad now. Run away.. run away!
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I like cooking with kids... and I don't mean in a Grimm Brothers kinda way.
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My neighbors thought I was insane because I was standing there with a stopwatch grilling ice cubes for three days.
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I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor. Viciously, viciously mean sense of humor, and I find that it does less damage if I turn it on myself. So I spend a lot of time making fun of me.
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Bobby Flay's getting ready to crack some coconuts. He's choosing his arsenal for that.. his head, he's using his head--which may be the hardest thing here in Kitchen Stadium, I'm not sure. (He and Flay both laugh.)
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Salted pork belly, yum. I'll get my angioplasty suite ready.
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She has a dessert with the ice cream, streusel, and pork! Yummy! (laughs nervously)
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I don't know about you, but I think this is a mmmmoving experience. Goshdarnit, the jokes aren't getting better--but the food's gonna be real good!
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Cat Cora's got a fascinating way of getting creme fraiche out of the container. Instead of simply removing the lid by lifting it up away from its interlocking device, she just simply whacks off the whole top of the thing. The woman is positively medieval!
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That's an interesting texture. IT'S ALIVE!
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[at the end of Battle Ostrich] It's nice to know that neither of them chickened out. [awkward pause] Sorry.
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Over on the challenger's side, we've got some chemicals at play. And I understand that that is methylcellulose.. and methylcellulose, it's a gelling agent. But guys that are getting on an age like me, know it mostly as the main ingredient in Metamucil. And goshdarnit, you've gotta be regular if you're gonna be happy on this planet.
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Hi, I'm Alton Brown here in Kitchen Stadium, the culinary coliseum where the only ingredient that isn't allowed is FEAR. Well, that, and those little containers of yogurt they give you on airplanes that always blow up in your face? Oh, and mothballs. We frown on those, too. Anyway! Are you ready for some down and dirty deep-fried fisticuffs? I know I am!
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(After Kevin announces the rules for scoring the battle) Boy Kevin, you sure do know a lot about scoring!
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So.. the challenger has already rubbed his meat and spanked his pomegranate right here on national T.V.! So at least somebody's having a good time here in kitchen stadium.