Mitch Hedberg Quotes on Humor

54 quotes

2. Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'

3. (Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.'

4. I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fishsticks in shit. (Realizing what he said) Actually that's kind of gross.

5. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going 'Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!'

6. I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, 'Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree', so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. 'How 'bout Tree?' 'No, Double Tree.' 'Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!' I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'... damnit, we were almost there!

8. I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]

9. See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'.'[2]

10. Check this joke out: (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-show whereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be : fuckin' surprised.

11. I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

12. We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for 'Add sugar to'.

14. Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can't fuckin' rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn't grow shit. I said 'C'mon what about some celery. You fuckers don't farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen. That's the new part.'

15. I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz 'The customer's always right.'

16. Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sakes. You know. I'm just tryin' to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It's called 'Attitude'.

17. I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

18. 'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'No'. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.'

20. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it.'

22. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.'[3]

23. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

24. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]

25. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]

26. When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. 'Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!' 'I stubbed my toe, -ch!' 'I need to lay down on the c-ch!' 'I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!'[6]

28. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]

33. I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.

37. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

38. A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before i realized he likes cherries just...alright, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what i was trying to pull off there.

39. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

40. Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

41. On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

46. Popsicles are for the summertime...

47. When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. 'Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.' But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

48. This is what my friend said to me; he said, 'Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.' It's like,'Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause.'

50. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music', as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

51. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

52. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

54. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least.'

56. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!'

57. If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat.

58. I play sports...no I don't, what the fuck?

60. I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist

61. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

62. I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'

63. My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.

66. If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin' pimpin' that shit out.'Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what. I'll trade you a free key duplication(laughs).' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cuz there's no ending

67. I drank some boiling water 'cuz I wanted to whistle

68. This is a CD called HIT AND MISS.

70. I like wearing this pass, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

75. I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

77. (to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'fuck it...lets sit down'.

78. I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

79. I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

80. They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'

81. You know that word 'lull'? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke!

82. I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it's gotta be, 'He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That's the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, 'cause you can say 'Philly' and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say 'Frisco,' San Francisco people say, 'Fuck off!' But if you say 'Philly' they say, 'Alright!' Because I don't always have time to say 'Philadelphia.' Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!

83. I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him 'you will not believe what i have in store for you!' 'This is made to your exact specifications!' When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

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