12 Mitch Hedberg Quotes on Logic

Mitch Hedberg quotes on logic

9. See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'.'[2]

13. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

21. I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'

23. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

31. If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt? - Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, April 9, 2002

35. My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

37. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

49. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

51. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

55. I saw some two-dollar bills, today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's worth eight, still says 'two'.

56. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!'

61. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.