Quote #31

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt? - Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, April 9, 2002

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to ans…
  2. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch he…
  3. Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to bl…
  4. I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.
  5. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]
  6. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two …
  7. My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where …
  8. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I hav…

All Mitch Hedberg quotes