Quote #29

Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, 'What candy bar are you getting?', 'That one, and every one on the bottom row!'

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]
  2. I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to ans…
  3. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I hav…
  4. If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a…
  5. When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that s…
  6. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch he…
  7. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]
  8. I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.

All Mitch Hedberg quotes