Quote #30

I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!' - Live in Seattle, December 3, 2004

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to bl…
  2. If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink. But if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a…
  3. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]
  4. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch he…
  5. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I hav…
  6. I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.
  7. When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that s…
  8. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two …

All Mitch Hedberg quotes