9 Mitch Hedberg Quotes on Food

Mitch Hedberg quotes on food

4. I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fishsticks in shit. (Realizing what he said) Actually that's kind of gross.

23. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

24. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]

30. I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said 'Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!' - Live in Seattle, December 3, 2004

37. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

47. When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. 'Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.' But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

64. I like vending machines 'cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential.

71. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

80. They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, 'Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.'