Mitch Hedberg Quotes on Absurdity
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(Talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this god damn thing! This fuckin' thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I'll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.'
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Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]
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See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' 'No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'.'[2]
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I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
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I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
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I drank some boiling water 'cuz I wanted to whistle