I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this produ…

Now, Stuart, as you will discover if you have not done so already, believes that the principal raison d'etre of food is to conceal from public view the hideous…

When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, He quoth: 'A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!'

You are about to have your first experience with a Greek lunch. I will kill you if you pretend to like it.