Quote #24

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'[4]

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]
  2. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]
  3. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach pl…
  4. When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that s…
  5. I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a …
  6. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I hav…
  7. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedr…
  8. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]

All Mitch Hedberg quotes