I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they…

When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand …

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

'In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.'

'I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.'

I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.