When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. 'Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!' 'I stubbed my toe, -ch!' 'I need to lay down on the c-ch!' 'I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!'[6]

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself…

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they…

One of the most unfortunate things about being an unfit Englishman cycling long distances in France is the number of signs that yell 'PAIN' down every high str…

If you smell what The Rock is cooking!

If I reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!