Quote #26

When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. 'Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand. I mean I'm in the S-th, and I want some s-p!' 'I stubbed my toe, -ch!' 'I need to lay down on the c-ch!' 'I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!'[6]

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]
  2. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I hav…
  3. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what peo…
  4. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.[7]
  5. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]
  6. Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to bl…
  7. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach pl…
  8. I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress mis-understood me because she said, 'How would you like your eggs?' So I tried to ans…

All Mitch Hedberg quotes