Quote #22

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.'[3]

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a …
  2. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]
  3. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedr…
  4. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what peo…
  5. If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicam…
  6. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'[5]
  7. 'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'No'. So I like to ask it questions …
  8. When I play the South, they say 'y'all' in the South. They take out the 'O' and the 'U'. So when I'm in the South I try to talk like that s…

All Mitch Hedberg quotes