Quote #1

I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was 'HH', so I went to the side, I found the 'H' button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a 'HH' button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of 'HH'. I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit.'

More from Mitch Hedberg

  1. Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Le…
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  3. I got so much tartar, I don't got to dip my fishsticks in shit. (Realizing what he said) Actually that's kind of gross.
  4. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing…
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  6. Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
  7. I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.[1]
  8. See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. 'Sir, you forgot this!' …

All Mitch Hedberg quotes