I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later,…

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I us…

(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said 'fuck it...lets sit down'.

'Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen, 'On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem; 'To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! 'Now dash a…

It doesn't quite work in an Aussie accent does it? 'Talk the hand...because the face has fucked off!'

At the end of about a week, I called back and said, 'I need something to compare this to. Could I please have a microsecond?'