I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him 'you will not believe what i have in store for you!' 'This is made to your exact specifications!' When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because t…

Mitch Hedberg (writer). (1999). Comedy Central Presents: Mitch Hedberg [Television series].

You know that word 'lull'? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets ha…

I do not drink...wine!

'Do you like Kipling?' 'I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never kippled.'

Sports fans, I have the final score for you on the big game between Harvard and William & Mary. It is: Harvard 14, William 12, Mary 6.