'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'No'. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.'

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' genius for Christ's sak…

Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.

'Didn't this used to be our dining-room table back at Sutherland Street, Frank?' said Kathleen.

Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied?