Quote #19
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
More from Mitch Hedberg
- 'I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying 'No'. So I like to ask it questions …
- I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedr…
- I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a 'baby naming book'. Or I would invite somebody over who …
- I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a …
- Alright, alright. That joke's better than you acted. Perhaps it's not. Maybe it's dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I'm not a fuckin' gen…
- I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach pl…
- I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz 'The customer's always right.'
- I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]