My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I…

I like vending machines 'cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it's maximum fla…

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Well, I was missing my earplugs. And the way that I found out why they're missing is because the little Elmo -- his five pounds -- came in to the bedroom and d…

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, …

The gingham dog went 'Bow-wow-wow!' And the calico cat replied 'Mee-ow!' The air was littered, an hour or so, With bits of gingham and calico.