Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before i realized he likes cherries just...alright, that joke is ridiculo…

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah'.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

I have Bright's disease and he has mine.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend; and he's a priest.