I got an ant farm...them fellas didn't grow shit.

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said 'Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch.' I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor …

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say…

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answe…

'I abominate any organization that denies cats are people!'

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.