63 Jack Benny Quotes on Humor

Jack Benny quotes on humor

1. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

2. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

3. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

4. I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

5. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

7. 'Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces'

8. 'Modesty is my best quality'

9. 'Gags die, humor doesn't'

11. I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

12. A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

13. When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it [1]

14. When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Places his hand on his heart]

15. Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

19. Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

20. Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

21. Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]

22. Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.

25. Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?

26. Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?

27. Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.

29. Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.

33. Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.

34. Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? 'To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.

39. Jack Benny: That star has five points.

40. Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.

41. Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

42. Thug:[repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

44. Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.

48. Jack: I know, but peanut butter?

49. Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.

50. Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.

51. Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?

57. Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.

58. Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.

60. Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.

61. Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.

62. Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?

63. Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.

64. Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants

65. Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?

67. Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?

70. Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.

78. Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.

79. Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?

80. Clyde: General Electric.

81. Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened.

85. Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.

87. Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.

88. Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in. ~ Bob Hope [2]

89. I'd like to kill him but the Government needs the money. ~ Bob Hope

91. I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. ~ George Burns

92. 'When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.' ~ Bob Hope[3]

93. Jack and Mary and Gracie and I were going to dinner one night and Gracie asked Mary, 'Is Jack really thirty-nine?' And Mary said, 'Ridiculous.' Then she asked, 'And how is his sex life?' and Mary said, 'Ridiculous!' ~ George Burns

96. Last time Jack paid one hundred dollars a plate, it was to his dentist, Dr. Pincus. ~ Bob Hope

97. Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. ~ Bob Hope

98. When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. ~ Dean Martin

99. One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. ~ Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)

101. Jack has no more hair than an elbow. ~ Fred Allen

102. There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen

103. When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in the cat. ~ Fred Allen

104. He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. ~ Fred Allen

109. His violin always plays off-key, but his humor is never off-color. ~ Ronald Reagan

111. Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. ~ Zubin Mehta