Jack Benny Quotes on Humor
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A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
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Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
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'Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces'
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'Modesty is my best quality'
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'Gags die, humor doesn't'
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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
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A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
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When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it [1]
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When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Places his hand on his heart]
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Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
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Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
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Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
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Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]
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Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.
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Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
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Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
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Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
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Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
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Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.
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Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? 'To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.
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Jack Benny: That star has five points.
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Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.
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Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
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Thug:[repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
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Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
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Jack: I know, but peanut butter?
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Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.
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Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.
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Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?
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Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.
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Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.
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Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.
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Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.
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Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?
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Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.
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Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants
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Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?
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Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?
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Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.
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Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.
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Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?
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Clyde: General Electric.
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Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened.
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Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.
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Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost.
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Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in. ~ Bob Hope [2]
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I'd like to kill him but the Government needs the money. ~ Bob Hope
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I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. ~ George Burns
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'When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.' ~ Bob Hope[3]
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Jack and Mary and Gracie and I were going to dinner one night and Gracie asked Mary, 'Is Jack really thirty-nine?' And Mary said, 'Ridiculous.' Then she asked, 'And how is his sex life?' and Mary said, 'Ridiculous!' ~ George Burns
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Last time Jack paid one hundred dollars a plate, it was to his dentist, Dr. Pincus. ~ Bob Hope
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Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. ~ Bob Hope
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When Moshe Dayan heard him play (the violin), he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear. ~ Dean Martin
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One night I was walking in my sleep and Mr. Benny put a vacuum cleaner in my hand. ~ Eddie Anderson (Rochestor)
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Jack has no more hair than an elbow. ~ Fred Allen
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in the cat. ~ Fred Allen
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He is so anemic that if he stays out at night, he has to get a transfusion so his eyes will be bloodshot in the morning. ~ Fred Allen
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His violin always plays off-key, but his humor is never off-color. ~ Ronald Reagan
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Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down. ~ Zubin Mehta