Jack and Mary and Gracie and I were going to dinner one night and Gracie asked Mary, 'Is Jack really thirty-nine?' And Mary said, 'Ridiculous.' Then she asked, 'And how is his sex life?' and Mary said, 'Ridiculous!' ~ George Burns

'When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.' ~ Bob Hope[3]

Jack was tremendously talented, and I can honestly say I've never heard anyone play the violin the way he did. And I'll always be grateful for that, too. ~ Geo…

I liked Benny right away, he had something I enjoyed very much - a worse singing voice than mine. ~ George Burns

dedicated to babs with babs knows what and babs knows why

'The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.'

Two may talk and one may hear, but three cannot take part in a conversation of the most sincere and searching sort.